(via exotic-ice)
(via exotic-ice)
okay.
I can’t deal with people anymore. It’s not funny, at all. I get frustrated and when I get into a bad mood..then I yell and let loose. I get anxiety attacks…I blame it a lot because if I didn’t have it then I wouldn’t be like this. Everything hurts me. Emotionally and physically. I become an emotional wreck like all of the time. I just need people all the time. I want to run away, to a whole new world. I just want a new life…and start over. I’ve always wanted a guy to be there for me, and when I cry, to actually be sympathetic towards me because he knows exactly how I’m feeling no matter how much I yell or scream at him. I’ll find that guy one day. I want him to comfort me and not talk back to me. I want the guy that will one day just understand me completely and where I come from. So exactly how does it feel like to have an anxiety attack? Well, for me it’s like the feeling in your stomach when you feel like throwing up or when you feel like someone’s about to like murder you or something. That feeling in your stomach gives you stress..and since I stress a lot, I could probably die one day from a heart attack. That’s probably why everyone is dying at a young age from heart attack..because they have too much stress when they were younger. I want to grow and live old…that’s why I’m trying my hardest not to stress out about anything and not to cry anymore. Also, anxiety attacks make you want to yell or cry. You become depressed because of that feeling in your stomach and your head starts to hurt..BADLY. Your lungs hurt and it becomes hard to breathe. Sometimes, when I cry it becomes hard to stop. I have anemia so I get tired easily and when you cry, I get even more tired. I’ve had bad memories…so many bad memories, so almost everything bad reminds me of the past and it frustrates me because I never want to relive them again. And when it does happen, I just try so hard to make it stop. I’ve cried three days in a row and I’m exhausted. My lungs hurt so badly when I was on my run today…I don’t want it to hurt. And I’m having so many bad cramps. My eyes are now swollen…they’re swollen every morning and it’s embarrassing. I had to cancel all of my plans for today because I basically just wanted to sit home and cry all day. I cry too much, thinking maybe someone will feel bad for me…or because I feel bad for me. How can someone feel bad for me if they don’t know I’m crying? I am so hungry, but I don’t want to eat because I just don’t. No one understands how bad I get when I become depressed. Watch how thing I get…last time you could almost see my ribs. You can see them now actually. I mean, I thought I was the perfect girlfriend..I guess not. I try my best to be, but anxiety and fear always takes over. I fear that no one cares about me. Because no one really gives a crap when I’m in a bad mood. They only care about me when I’m in a good mood. I don’t blame them. I keep a lot of things to myself and I don’t tell anyone..not even my own family. I don’t even tell the people that I tell EVERYTHING to. Well, basically I’m always so afraid that nothing is going to go right for me. I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I’m so happy for a period of time, it’s always because I’m being prepared for some disaster that’s coming up. It’s usually true. And whenever something bad happens to me…more and more bad things keep on happening to me. No one knows, but it ALWAYS happens. And every time I try to stop one bad event from happening, it either gets worse or something else bad happens. No one understands how easily hurt I get, so I panic a lot. I wonder if anyone even cares. If they do, they aren’t showing it. No one ever gets me. I have a lot of friends and a lot of people like me. But so what? It’s not like any of them know how I’m feeling. I don’t tell them anyways. I get so sick when I cry for a certain amount of days. I’m actually starting to get sick and I’m showing symptoms. No one probably believes me. To be honest, I just want to shoot myself. I always think that if I’m gone, maybe people would actually care about me more. People would regret everything they ever did to hurt me. People think that I wouldn’t dare to do it, but I actually think about this kind of stuff. It makes me sad, but it would be better. I think way too much and I want to cry all the time. Basically, I’m done..my life is over. It’s basically a body now. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Why can’t I just find one person that won’t hurt me in any shape or form? I just want someone to show me they care when I’m upset. I hate myself. If you’ve gotten to the bottom of this post, thank you for actually reading. It shows me you care.
